Ed. Note: The below blog is a piece I originally wrote in the 1990s when I worked for a small-town newspaper in North Carolina. As you can probably surmise from its tone and sarcastic content I leaned more to the left of the political spectrum at that time. I believed that the extreme right and adherents to the “Moral Majority” were a bunch of nutcases, and, to some extent, still believe this to be true. However, today, some 26 years later, I find the extreme left wing to be far more scary and apt to do irreparable harm to the country of my birth, as well as the world at large.

What I also find interesting is how prescient (albeit by accident) some of my thoughts were back then—the moral fabric of America is truly getting torn asunder….

—Originally published in the Johnstonian-Sun, Circa 1992. 

According to all right-wing radical groups, many conservative groups, the “Moral Majority” (which is neither), many religious leaders, Jesse Helms and most other Republican politicians, the moral fabric of our nation is under attack by various enemies and is in danger of being torn asunder.

Do you know what will happen if the nation’s moral fabric is torn asunder?

Well, depending upon whom you listen to, the following scenarios are likely to result from a torn-asunder moral fabric:

—Communism

That’s right, Communism! Once the moral fabric gets ripped up America will become a nation of Godless Communists. Half of us will be working on the collective farm and the other half in the collective factory. Red will be the predominant colour of our nation and Lenin, Stalin, Mao and Fidel will be the equivalent of Gods. This and all other newspapers will carry only Communist theology and official news releases from our great Politburo up in Leninton (the former Washington, DC).

—Sex-Crazed Deviance

You betcha! We’re gonna become a nation of sex-crazed deviants. Once that moral fabric that has protected us for so long is shredded, sexual deviation will become the norm. We will all indulge in sadomasochism, fetishism, pedophilia, necrophilia, bondage, homosexuality, bisexuality, voyeurism, bestiality, cross dressing, sodomy, incest and a host of other warped sexual acts that would make even the most hard-core porno dealer cringe. 

—Godless Heathenism

Once the moral fabric is gone we’ll become a nation of Devil-worshipping Satanists and other religious deviants. Those of us who aren’t worshiping Satan will be bowing down to the altar of Belial, Beelzebub, Eros, Dionysus, Bacchus, Odin, Vulcan, Isis, Thor, Spock, Batman, Anubis, Captain Crunch, Ishtar, The Bagwhan Shree Rajneesh, Apollo, Zeus, Tribbles, Golden Calves, Silver Goats, Aluminum Kangaroos or any number of other Gods and Idols.

—Foreignerism

Once that moral fabric is torn up this nation will lose its white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant heritage and culture and become a nation of Nigerians, Vietnamese, Mexicans, Sudanese, Albanians, Algerians, Chinese, Japanese, Palestinians, Israelis, Bolivians, Burundians, Burmese, Cambodians, Columbians, Cubans, Gabonese, Turks, Gambians, Hondurans, Haitians, Indians, Iraqis, Koreans, Lebanese, Liberians, Malaysians, Mongolians, Nepalese, Pakistanis, Omanians, Senegalese, Vulcans, Somalians, Taiwanese, Tunisians, Arabians, Yemenese, and every other un-American non-white, non-Anglo-Saxon, non-Protestant race infesting God’s great earth.

—Drug-Crazed Lunatism

Yep, once the moral fabric is all in pieces we will be a nation of druggies. Yeah boy, we’re gonna be popping pills, smoking crack, toking dope, shooting heroin, snorting coke, freebasing embalming fluid, smoking banana peels, shooting speed, snorting tranquilizers, popping downers, eating quaaludes and ingesting all kinds of chemicals and substances not lawfully prescribed by a doctor.

—All-of-the-Abovism

That’s right, all of the above. Some folks are convinced, heaven forbid, that once the ol’ moral fabric gets torn asunder all of the above will come true. Of course, the majority of these folks relate the destruction of the nation’s moral fabric with Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ.

Now that we all know what will happen if the moral fabric of this great nation gets torn asunder, we need to determine who, or what, is responsible for this dire threat to national security.

The list of potential moral fabric destroyers is long, and the roster of enemies entirely contingent upon which purveyor of “Right” you might be listening to.

Most right-wing, Moral Majority, conservative and religious leaders would undoubtedly put a scissors-wielding Bart Simpson high on the list.

Heck, Bart could probably shred the fabric in record time.

So, there’s one for the roster! A complete list of potential moral fabric enemies will be included in next week’s Biting the Bullet.

Closing Ed. Note: Not sure if I’ll be able to find that follow-up column, but sure would be interesting to see who I listed.