Self-Identifying as My Former 19-Year-Old Self in Order to Rant on Behalf of Those Under 21

—May 15, 2016

If I were under the age of 21 I would be one pissed-off mother-fucker.

So, bear with me for a moment while I turn 19-years-old.

There.

Done.

I am now politically correct (not!) and can therefore self identify. As such I am now 19-years-old.

Got it? I am 19.

And don’t fuckin’ argue with me, because that will force me to pull out all kinds of political correct bullshit such as self identification and other fallacies designed to force you to concede to my viewpoint or shut the fuck up. And if you don’t concede to my viewpoint or shut the fuck up I will shout louder than you and drown out any of your pithy arguments. And trust me, we folks of the politically correct persuasion know how to drown out the opposition with noise….

Wow, I’m feeling kind of powerful in my new, politically correct, 19-year-old skin!

And for just this moment…for this ensuing rant, I’m going to really enjoy the specific “self identification” perk of being politically correct.

Here goes:

The governor of California earlier this month signed into law legislation that makes it illegal for me and everyone else under the age of 21 to enjoy tobacco products, whether smoked, dipped, chewed or vaped. This follows on the heels of Hawaii, which made such acts illegal for those under 21 in April.

R U F’ing Kidding Me!!!

You technically make me an adult at age 18 by giving me the vote and forcing me to file (and perhaps—eeek!—pay) tax returns. And you’re willing to send me off to foreign countries where I might be forced to blow a man’s head off, or where my head could be detached from my body by the crazy people you are expecting me to subdue on your behalf…..

And you are telling me that I am not legally allowed to enjoy partaking in activities that the rest of you allowed-to-vote clowns can partake in at whim???

Yeah, well fuck you!!!

OK, that’s it. Rant over. Boy, that was fun!

For the record I don’t even smoke (any more), but that’s pretty much the same rant I made back in my youth when states started raising the drinking age to 21. Of course, as I grew older and became able to legally drown my ire, I lost my passion for fighting what was such an obviously hypocritical and unjust legal construct.

And yes, these laws governing “underage” drinking and smoking admittedly save lives; however, they still fall under the rubric of “tyranny.”

Perhaps a couple of years of tyranny is worth it. Still, I am truly glad that I am no longer under the age of 21 and under the thumb of such….

—Originally published May 6 on behalf of Hash It Out!

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