Finding Holiday Bliss Under a Parasitic Weed

Finding Holiday Bliss Under a Parasitic Weed

—December 1, 2020

Christmas has far more traditional elements to keep track of than any other holiday. Think about it, you’ve got your Christmas tree, wreath, ornaments, lights, carols, stockings, gifts, advent calendar, charitable giving, candy canes, gingerbread houses and people, and a dozen or so other traditional food items. And let’s not forget Santa Claus, flying reindeer, and some dwarves—wait, we mean elves.

No doubt we’ve neglected a Christmas traditional element or two, but among the strangest—come on, flying reindeer?—of Christmas traditions must be the hanging of a parasitic weed, under which anyone inadvertently or purposely standing is susceptible to sexual advances from others in the room. And by susceptible, tradition has long held that a woman under the mistletoe is supposed to allow a man to kiss her, with noncompliance leading to potential bad luck, lack of Christmas presents, a life of spinsterhood, future infertility, or some other woe depending upon the country or region.

Frankly, we’re a bit surprised that the “Me Too” movement hasn’t jumped all over this one, with calls to ban its sale or maybe get it regulated as a Schedule 1 date rape drug.

So how did this strange tradition come about? Well, for some reason several ancient cultures, including Greeks, Celts, Druids, and Vikings, associated mistletoe with fertility and used it in fertility related rituals. While historians aren’t exactly sure how these varied folks actually utilized the plant, when the English incorporated it into their Christmas celebrations in the 1700s they couldn’t exactly promote it as “great for fucking” or some such, given the propriety of the times. Thus, it’s association with kissing, which, as everyone certainly knew back then, often leads to fucking.

Anyhow, the hanging of mistletoe during Christmas has endured, and kissing a girl/woman under the mistletoe is almost a rite of passage of sorts. And for those lucky ones among us, that mistletoe-inspired kiss has led to some passionate lovemaking with one’s wife or girlfriend, or, for singletons, perhaps a memorable, all-night fuck-a-thon with a co-worker you hooked up with—Barb from accounting?—at the office Christmas party thanks to a little bit of mistletoe initiation.

But how did this weed become such an enduring Christmas tradition and a harbinger of what can become tidings of great joy? And what is its connection to fertility? 

Perhaps it has something to do with the parasitic nature of the plant. As a parasite, mistletoe latches on to trees and shrubs and then leaches out whatever nutrition it needs from the host plant. Some mistletoe species even go so far as to letting the host plant take care of their photosynthesis needs.

With this in mind, one could posit that the tradition may have evolved to let men act like mistletoe to their host plant women….

But don’t share this bit of intel with the Me Too Movement. Little doubt that plenty of letches have taken advantage of mistletoe to steal a kiss and try for more, but we would suggest that mistletoe has inspired far more sweet kisses, passionate lovemaking, awesome fucking, and overall joy than it has sexual assault. And with that, we wish you a Merry Christmas and tidings of getting lucky under the mistletoe!

—Similar version originally published December 2019 by Sleazy Greetings.

Valentine’s Day Special!—Finding “The One”

Valentine’s Day Special!—Finding “The One”

—February 12, 2015

Valentine’s Day is upon us, and you are no doubt already planning how you will celebrate the venerated love saint’s day with your significant other….

That is unless you’re single.

In that case you are likely starting to reflect upon your abject loneliness or perhaps working the inverse with plans to celebrate your single status because you finally dumped that waste-of-bedspace-sorry-exuse-for-a-girlfriend/boyfriend after 18 months of brain fuckery.

Whatever the case, this blog is for you singletons. Because even if you’ve sworn off the opposite—or same, should that be your bent—sex forever, somewhere in your psyche there’s a quest to find “the one.” And if not “the” one, then at least “some”-one to mess up the sheets with.

For those of you who have already found “the one;” “maybe-the-one;” “there isn’t a ‘one,’ but I’m happy with ‘the one’ I’m with;” well, read on, because “life is funny,” “you never know what’s over the next hill,” and “shit happens.”

What we’re going to do here is figure out the best places to meet potential mates. Here goes….

Introduction from friends: Well, if it was all that effective you singletons wouldn’t be reading this, now would you? How many times has a friend said something along the lines of “you’ve got to meet my friend (insert name here)—you two would be great together?” Then you meet the potential mate and quickly figure out that your friend obviously doesn’t know you nearly as well as you thought. (OK, not technically a “place”—but close enough).

Bars and Nightclubs: Again if it was all that effective, you singletons wouldn’t need to read this. That said, it’s great for meeting short-term, recreational playdates, but this blog is more about celebrating the ideals of “Saint Valentine,” not “Saint Trojan,” so we’re not going to delve into that here.

Grocery Stores: I’m not sure about the success ratio of this one, but have heard numerous women describe it as an “ideal” place to potentially meet men. I say potentially, because to the best of my knowledge, none of these women actually met their significant other in a grocery store, and explanations about why grocery stores are ideal have come across more like fantasy than reality. Dunno, but guess sparks could fly while discussing whether there are more anti-oxidants in avocados than rutabagas.

Other Retail Establishments: Bookstores, in particular, offer great potential, as mutual interests can easily be ascertained by the reading material being browsed. And if there is mutual affinity for the reading material then the initial conversation can often flow with ease. Unfortunately, bookstores, like music stores (which served equally as well), are going the way of the dodo. Other retail establishments can also work, but require more creativity, and usually a really good sense of humor.

Weddings: If you’re single, I’d advise going to every wedding you’re invited to—hell, try wedding crashing. Seems to be an especially high success ratio, both with meeting “the one,” and with recreational opportunity (oops, not supposed to go there).

Family Reunions: Creepy! That is, unless second-cousin marriages run in the family….

No, still creepy.

Dating Sites: Yeah, I know—many folks are still skeptical about the concept and reluctant to try to meet “the one” through photos and text on an online portal, but it seems that more and more people are finding their mates via cyberspace. “Ashley Madison” excluded, as it was geared primarily to wannabe cheating husbands and more than 80 percent of the potential female dates were exposed as cyberfakes.

Among the most popular are Match, OkCupid, Zoosk and eHarmony (yeah, how’d eHarmony makeEHarmonyInside the list, what with that weird guy in the bad suit pitching love like an evangelical preacher?). And these sites have a membership base in the multi-multi-millions, so “the one” or an “approximation of the one” has got to be profiled somewhere within those cyberlove portals. The problem is finding him or her. But if you don’t seek, you will never find, so get on it.

Oh, and you don’t have to necessarily go with one of the big dogs in online dating, as there are hundreds of different sites out there, with many catering to a wide variety of distinct groups, whether by race, ethnicity, age, religion, or any number of other parameters. There are so many distinct dating sites that you could probably find one that caters strictly to Buddhist finance workers who follow UFC, if that happens to be what you’re into.

There are probably numerous other places where singletons can meet “the one,” so the above represents the short list. Where are some other prime places for finding a date, of finding that potential significant other?

Hash-It-Out! Where are the best places for single people to meet?

—Published Feb. 12 in Hash-It-Out!

Finding Romance on the End of a Dock

Finding Romance on the End of a Dock

There’s something inherently romantic about a dock. Whether a commercial pier on the city dockyards to a private pleasure craft wharf on a bay to a ramshackle canoe dock on a country lake, there’s just something about them that stirs the romantic’s soul.

Have you ever noticed how people tend to linger when on a dock? The hustle and bustle of activity on a commercial pier certainly draws people’s attention and gives reason to pause, but have you ever lingered on a deserted city pier at night? Have you noticed how quiet it can be despite the constant drone of the surrounding city? How that quiet pier seems like a refuge from the city’s perpetual motion and noise?

How many of you have lingered on the dock after the boat is secured and it’s time to get home for supper? Sure, you’re just double checking the lines–or your SlideMoor™ connections–and taking a last look for the day at your beautiful boat. But don’t you find yourself pausing sometimes just to enjoy being on the dock? Sometimes it calls for sitting on the dock with your legs hanging over the side and a beer in hand. Perhaps with a close friend or two, as you reminisce while listening to the lap of the waves and watching the boating activity lazily wind down.

Have you ever watched the night sky from the dock? Seen the different moon phases or just gazed in awe at the billions of glittering stars? Perhaps you and three of your closest friends laid down on a dock to watch a meteorite shower when you were a pre-adolescent. Between loud exclamations of “there’s one!” you quietly talked about the mysteries of adulthood and tried to fathom the immensity of the universe.

You must have experienced at least one beautiful sunset while sitting on a dock with a loved one. And perhaps that same loved one was with you on a date back when you were a teenager. One of those endless summer nights when the future was unknown but everything still possible. You and your date had quietly eased away from the gang to take a walk. Found yourself on the end of someone’s dock. Marvelled at the beauty of the night sky and incredible mirror-still waters of the harbor. Somehow broke through the endless awkward pause with that first long, lingering kiss….

For those of you thinking bunk!–a dock’s a dock is a dock, I ask you to listen to that classic Otis Redding song that begins:

“Sittin’ in the mornin’ sun

I’ll be sittin’ when the evenin’ comes

Watchin’ the ships roll in

Then I watch ‘em roll away again, yeah

I’m sittin’ on the dock of the bay

Watchin’ the tide roll away….”

And if that doesn’t stir your soul, you don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

—Originally published July 15, 2015 by SlideMoor.com.